Down by law.
We all live in societies that are governed by rules. And, believe me, few societies are governed by quite so many rules as the one I live in. You see, Norwegians have wonderful laws – handmade, finely crafted, honed to perfection. People come from other countries to admire them and some of them even copy these laws when they get home. The Norwegian book of laws, cunningly disguised as a sex manual entitled Norges Lover, is a weighty yet erotically red-bound tome that is great for pressing flowers and using as a door-stop. And in fact that’s what most Norwegians seem to use it for as few of the laws that it contains seem to be observed on any regular or meaningful basis.
The Norwegian Karma Sutra.
But then, of course, that’s precisely what rules are for. They are there to be broken. If nobody ever broke the rules, there would be no point in having any. What is more, hundreds of thousands of lawyers across the world would be instantly out of business. And, believe me, there’s no one more likely to break the law than an out-of-work lawyer.
One should also bear in mind that lawyers are only the very visible tip of an immense legal iceberg that includes judges, justices of the peace, recorders, solicitors, actuaries, notaries, clerks of the court, ushers and, of course, policepersons. Ergo no laws equals mass unemployment. The Norwegians, being a sensible, well-adjusted people recognise this fact and make it their business to break every law in the sex manual.
Not that breaking the law is exactly difficult to do. Our modern society is now cluttered up with so many of them that breaking a few is no longer a question of existential choice – it’s an absolute inevitability.
Moses delivers the first traffic regulations.
Even the sweet, grey-haired, lovable granny so beloved of Disney films can hardly set her Zimmer frame over the threshold without immediately breaking a few rules. In fact, she’s probably more likely to do so than younger people, because she simply doesn’t know that the rules exist in the first place. However, as any out-of-work lawyer will tell you, ignorance of the law is not a defence.
You see, it’s all about social control. The thinking behind this, if there is any thinking, seems to be that the more we are controlled the easier society will function. There will be fewer disputes because there are rules in place to resolve these disputes. However, it doesn’t take a genius to see that the more rules there are, the more disputes there are likely to be.
Take a local by-law – which I’ve made up – against washing your car on a Sunday. You might well feel irritated if your neighbour washes his car every Sunday but you’re unlikely to do anything about it. After all, it’s a free country and if he wants to wash his car, there’s nothing to stop him. But pass a law forbidding people to wash their cars on Sundays and you’ve immediately got grounds for making a complaint. And not just any complain either but an official one that could lead to a sanction for the offending washer. And which will certainly lead to a bad relationship with your neighbour thereafter.
So the law has created a dispute instead of resolving one.
Young police cadets unwashing a car.
A lot of the rules and regulations that govern our behaviour seem to aim at ridding our lives of minor annoyances. Typical of this is the “Do not walk on the grass” sign. The annoyance in this case is presumably the one experienced by the parks department who have to keep the grass looking nice. But why do they have to keep it looking nice? Since when was grass there to be looked at? Of all the vegetation that has been put to the service of parks and gardens, grass is certainly the most practical. It’s there to be walked on. Or played on. It’s not designed to be stared at.
It’s when it comes to traffic regulations that the rules get truly barmy. And then for really bad craziness, we have to look further afield than Norway. In San Francisco, elephants are allowed to walk down the street, provided they are on a leash, however it is forbidden to wipe your car with used underwear. In Denver, Colorado, it is prohibited to drive a black car on Sundays. But if you think it’s always the blacks that get a raw deal, in Minneapolis it’s forbidden to drive a red car down Lake Street. Tennessee very rightly forbids driving while asleep.
No leash, eh? Sorry but you're nicked, sunshine!
And just in case you thought that the United States has the monopoly on mad traffic laws, in Greece you can have your licence revoked for being unwashed or badly dressed. The Russians are a little more sensible: you can be as unwashed as you like but it’s illegal to drive a dirty car. In China, drivers who stop at pedestrian crossings risk a fine while the Turks take a rather opposite view of road safety that fits this blog completely: drivers must carry a hygienic body bag suitable for carrying a corpse weighing up to 120 kilos. Failure to do so will result in a fine and a possible 6-month jail sentence.
That's 6 months in a gulag but with 3 months off for a clean windscreen.
One of the most popular absurd general laws comes from my home country of Great Britain. It refers to the – admittedly small – possibility of a whale being washed up in London. In such an event, by law, the head belongs to the King and the tail to the Queen. I don’t suppose many of you have had first-hand experience of washed-up whales but, by all accounts, they tend to be ever so slightly niffy. In fact, they stink. And because they’re big, they stink big time. Now I’ve tried to think of some logical reason for this law but the only one I can come up with is either that nobody knew what to do with said cetacean and therefore called on the highest authority in the land to dispose of it, or that it’s some sort of veiled insult to the monarchy – and particularly to the Queen.
To conclude, I refer you all to my old pal Charles Dickens, who famously said the law is an ass. And you can take that any way you want.
