Of all of the insects in the world, there are none quite as lovably stupid as the bumble bee. On what do I base this statement? Well, for starters, this is an insect that gets up early in the morning, while all other insects are quietly snoring under their duvets, on the principle that the early bird gets the worm. Not that the bumble bee is a bird, and it certainly doesn’t eat worms, but it’s clearly an insect in which the work-ethic is deeply rooted. No, the bumble bee feeds on pollen and nectar, which come from flowers, which are open for business all day from sunrise to sunset. Is there a shortage of flowers? No, not particularly. But the bumble bee gets up early anyway, just in case there might be.

Cor! Lovely bit o' pollen in 'ere!

The bumble bee also appears to be very short-sighted. Assuming that it’s mostly interested in flowers, why does it spend so much time buzzing around me? I don’t look remotely like a flower - not even in my best moments. It’s also, as far as I can see, very interested in various sorts of garden furniture.

Considering that the bumble bee is so work-oriented, why is it so fat? It’s so fat that it can hardly lift itself, never mind buzz effectively. Are we talking about the couch-potato of the insect world? Is the only reason why it gets up so early that it wants to get the tedious business of working over with as quickly as possible so that it can lounge on the sofa scratching its fuzz, watching reality TV and eating pizzas? Is this the chav of the insect world?

Oi! Who are you lookin' at?

But what really defines the bumble bee as stupid – if lovably stupid – is its total inability to come to terms with windows. Now there are many insects out there, some of them much smaller, that seem to have no difficulty with a window. Okay, I admit that there’s the daddy-longlegs that even has problems with a wall but most insects seem to recognise glass when they see it and try a work-around. Not so the lovable bumble bee that simply smacks into the window repeatedly in the hope that it will eventually dissolve. It will continue to do this until either the glass does indeed dissolve or it drops dead of exhaustion…

The bumble bee's arch-enemy: Southwark.

Not that this stops bumble bees from trying every means possible to gain entrance to your house. In the summer, it’s wise to leave no gap open to the outside world because as sure as oeufs are oeufs the bumble bee will find its way through. And what will it do when it gets its way through? Yep, smack into the windows until they dissolve or it dies of exhaustion. Not a wise career move for a couch-potato, I think you’ll agree.

The bumble bee lives in a nest with other bumble bees. However, lacking the architectural skills and social organisation of the honey bee, much less the ant, he has never managed to build anything that will house more than about fifty bees at a time. Not that the bumble bee would actually want to live together with more than fifty other bumble bees anyway. In fact, if it were possible to live entirely alone or, at the very least with the wife and couple of kids, the average bumble bee would leap at the chance.

Female bumble bee - click for actual size.

You see, the bumble bee is essentially a loner. You never see a couple of bumble bees pass the time of day with each other, let alone sit down for an in-depth conversation. This may explain why they repeatedly smack into windows – because no other bumble bee has ever bothered to explain that it’s a waste of time. On the other hand, because no bumble bee has ever explained the facts of life to another bumble bee, every day is probably a voyage of discovery, with totally new things to explore and enjoy. And because the bumble bee has a poor memory – as in no memory at all – the totally new things of yesterday will certainly be the totally new things of today and tomorrow too.

I imagine that living in a bumble bee’s nest is probably like living in an old people’s home but having to get up unreasonably early and go out to work every day. You return home in the evening to sit with other bumble bees, chewing your gums and saying nothing. Occasionally, one of your fellow bees will have an unfortunate encounter with a window and not return to the nest but no one seems to notice.

A hive on a day out to Blackpool.

In fact, apart from a deeply rooted work ethic, there’s not a lot that gets a bumble bee excited at all. The main object of its life is to find flowers, by a slow process of elimination, and then extract the nectar. It has a sting, but can’t really be bothered to use it.

So next time that you see a bumble bee smacking into one of your windows, do spare a thought for those less fortunate than ourselves, and gently help it on its way. But before you do so, be sure to explain to it thoroughly exactly what glass is. You won’t get a word of thanks, of course.