I invented Tomism on a beach in Greece about nine years ago when I first met the delightful woman who, four years later, proved herself lunatic enough to marry me. She’s Norwegian. Like many Norwegians, she has a name that is almost impossible to pronounce correctly by anyone who isn’t Norwegian – and even by some who are.

I’m sure there are many of us who have met a person to whom we are really very much attracted but whose name we have difficulty in remembering. That’s bad enough, but it’s much worse when you do remember the name – well, sort of – but are unable to pronounce it. So, I solved the problem by calling her Tom. And so that she wouldn’t feel that I was picking on her, and also to cover up for the fact that I couldn’t pronounce her name, I called everyone else Tom too.

A beach. Well, just a beach really. Not in Greece or anything.

Unexpectedly, this caught on. I guess there were other people on the beach with a similar problem. For the rest of the holiday, quite a large number of people called each other Tom on a more or less regular basis. Unwittingly I had stumbled upon a revolutionary idea and one that I feel will certainly have a massive impact on society as a whole: Tomism.

You might be forgiven for thinking that Tomism is just about calling everyone Tom. Well, actually it is but it’s the effects of Tomism that are important and not the name. The name might just as well be Dick, Harry or even Lucinda and the overall effect would be fairly similar. But not the same. You see Tom is a name that it is not only impossible to mispronounce but also very egalitarian – you find Toms at all levels of society. Admittedly not many of them are women but that will soon change.

A real Tom.

Call everyone Tom and you confer on them a shared responsibility. This responsibility may be positive or negative. In other words, you are taking an active share in humanity’s successes but also its failures. Who painted the Mona Lisa? Tom. Who started the Second World War? Also Tom. Who ended the Second World War? A load of Toms.

However, Tomism not only means that you’ll suddenly excel in general knowledge quizzes but also that we’ll finally have the answers to all of those nagging questions that have plagued us for generations. Who invented the wheel? Who invented sliced bread? Who was the first person to set foot on the American continent? Who will be the first person to set foot on Mars? You see, you can simplify history and predict the future at the same time.

Tom.

In an economic sense, Tomism will solve the problem of world poverty. Just got an unexpectedly large bill that you don’t know how to pay? Simply find the richest Tom in the neighbourhood and pop it in his post box! Wars of conquest will become a thing of the past. After all, why go to the trouble of invading a country that you already own?

But it’s in the question of religion that Tomism really comes into its own. Who created the world? Tom did. Let’s not go into how long it took him or how he did it – the name is the most important thing. If all adherents of every religion in the world worship a deity, or multiple deities, called Tom, there’s absolutely no point in arguing about who’s got it right. They’ve all got it right. Naturally the leader of the forces of evil is also called Tom which will shed a new light on Manichaeism.

On a more mundane, practical level, we shall finally see the end of name-dropping. “As I was saying to Tom the other day…” will lose its force entirely.

Tom.

As with any good idea, there are, of course, one or two slight drawbacks. Such as “Where’s Tom?” for example. This question now shifts from the geographical to the philosophical; the correct answer being “Who do you actually mean by Tom?” But, as you can see, it now encourages us to describe that person in more depth. Paradoxically Tomism now presents us with a lot more information about the person in question, such as “The female Tom with the squint who was born in 1977, lives in Salford, Greater Manchester, England, and had two kids with the Tom who worked in the builder’s yard and another with the Tom who was Undersecretary of State for Education in Tom’s last government”. Beats Sharon Philips every day.

Crime, of course, will virtually disappear. We have already successfully dispensed with the profit motive by popping unwanted bills in rich Tom’s letter-box and anyone wishing to gain notoriety will be doomed to disappointment. Crimes of passion become pretty meaningless when your partner has been having an affair with…you. Naturally there will be the odd fully dysfunctional Tom but it’s not a perfect world. Yet.

Another Tom.

And the more you think about it, the more benefits to Tomism there are. Want to go on holiday? No problem. All the tickets are made out to Tom, as are all the passports. Want to be an Olympic Gold Medal Winner? Forget about the training – you already are one. You can win an Oscar, be a best-selling writer (after all, every writer is now a best-selling writer) and even win Mastermind by answering questions on “Famous people”.

And finally, when you meet someone new on holiday, you no longer need to rack your brain to remember their name, much less pronounce it. We’re all Toms. Easy.