We all know about pyramids, don’t we? Large, vaguely pyramidal structures, generally made of stone and usually found in Egypt and Meso-America. However, what many people do not know is that there are also pyramids in China. And why not? After all, you can find noodles in China, so why not pyramids?

It appears that the existence of these Chinese pyramids was not known in the West until 1945 when a US military reconnaissance flight took photographs of what is now known as the Great White Pyramid in the Qin Lin Shan mountains about 60 miles south-west of Xian (of Terracotta Army fame).

So how come they are so little known in the West if they were ‘discovered’ in 1945? The probable reason is that the US Department of Defence restricted access to the photographs for 45 years. In other words, the pyramids were classified information. Quite rightly so too. Had the information been made public, the impact on East-West relations throughout the Cold War would have been incalculable (well, I can’t calculate it anyway). Can you imagine the panic that might have ensued had it been known that the Chinese also had pyramids and that they were not the exclusive preserve of fairly democratic countries with a slight westward leaning?

Chinese Intercontinental Ballistic Pyramid.

As you might expect, the presence of pyramids several thousand miles east of where they are generally found has led to enormous speculation about their origins. Naturally, there are some people who even think that they might be man-made, but then there are always a few cranks out there. No, the smart money is on extraterrestrials.

I say ‘smart’ but frankly it isn’t particularly smart to believe that extraterrestrial beings flew thousands of light years across the galaxy to build pyramidal structures on a not particularly fashionable blue planet at the sleazier end of the Milk Way. I can think of one or two more useful structures that they might have contemplated, such as greenhouses (to keep all the gases in) or perhaps Sydney Opera House.

The people who think that pyramids, in China or elsewhere, were built by extraterrestrials are entirely missing the point. The point is that pyramids ARE extraterrestrials. They landed here several thousand years ago, moved about a bit to find somewhere comfortable and then died. Which explains why they haven’t moved since. If you don’t believe me, try it out on any dead animal. Just watch it and see if it moves.

A pyramid relaxing at home before travelling to earth.

And, of course, the reason why you rarely find one pyramid on its own is that they tended to congregate in family groups.

If you want to know why we have ‘smooth’ pyramids and step pyramids, the answer is simply that one is male and the other is female (although I’ve no idea which is which, but then I can’t tell a male hamster from a female hamster either. Hamster sexing is not one of my strong points).

Given the presence of dead pyramids scattered over the globe, it was left to the local inhabitants to find something to do with them. In certain parts of the world, notably Meso-America, people decided to decorate them, much as you might decorate a Christmas tree or an elderly antelope. The Egyptians, on the other hand, decided to dig holes into them and bury people inside – a grisly thought when you consider that the pyramids themselves were dead. They also polished them.

An attempt to use a pyramid for food storage.

On the other hand, the Chinese pyramids were mostly used for sharpening razor blades. Enter any Chinese pyramid and you’ll find enough blades to shave the entire population of Afghanistan for several centuries. The only reason why this is not generally known is because of a court injunction imposed at the request of Gillette.

The Chinese also tried growing things on their pyramids. Rice was a notable failure (they even flattened the top of their pyramids in a vain attempt to create paddy fields) but they had far more success with trees and chrysanthemums. In fact, a chrysanthemum grown on the west face of a pyramid in Moa Ling won best of breed at the Chelsea Flower Show, London, in December 200 BC.

An unsuccessful attempt to use a pyramid as money.

Be this as it may – and it probably isn’t – pyramids have held an understandable fascination for us over the millennia. There’s nothing a human being likes more than to sit and look at a pyramid. This explains phenomena such as Cairo. After burying someone important in their pyramids and having exhausted the possibilities of riding around them on a camel, the Egyptians understandably opted for simply looking at them. Preferably from a balcony with a cool drink.

The result of one cool drink too many.

The Meso-Americans, on the other hand, lost interest in their pyramids relatively quickly. You see, decorate them as much as you like, they simply don’t do anything. The Mayans tried prodding them with sticks (which led to an interesting cult that lasted several centuries) but they wouldn’t budge. Mainly owing to fact that they were dead.

However, there is a distinct future for the Chinese pyramid. Given the fact that the Chinese will eat anything with legs that isn’t a table and anything that flies that isn’t a kite, they will probably feature on a restaurant menu in Beijing in the not-too-distant future. What a comedown for such an advanced life form.